Tuesday 26 May 2020

Down Days

I was having one of those days yesterday when introspection became too much. I've been having a lot of those lately. I suppose many of you have been feeling the same way. Listening to the news and feeling so helpless and out-of-control can have a negative effect on most anyone. So I decided to try a technique I have not used for a long time to see if I could get the root of my troubles. They include no energy, inability to focus, lack of interest in much of anything besides chocolate, the need to berate myself for everything I do and the desire to take a nap most every day. That's not like me, but times are different right now, and as members of a global society we've been forced to think about things that have never been part of our lives before. I decided to share what I learned because I don't have what it takes to do anything more useful than that right now.

I went to the dentist this morning with a toothache. After an hour in the chair trying to do a root canal, the dentist figured out that the tooth had cracked close to the roots and would have to be removed. After close to thirty shots in my very sensitive mouth because my tooth refused to deaden, he finally got it out two hours later. Since I can't afford implants it's another partial bridge for me. Maybe this will help with the diet I've been considering for the past five years because now I will have one bridge on each side and they make eating many foods impossible. I just took my first pain pill and will start taking the antibiotic when I can drink something more than water.

We all have fun experiences like that make us glad we have dentists who can help, even if it's one of the last places we ever want to be. Anyway, back to why I decided to write something today. I think I've mentioned a type of therapy where a person writes what the problem is with the dominant hand and then answers it with the non-dominant one. Any part of the inner self can be addressed: spiritual self, inner child, childhood friend. You just need to figure out who might have the answer because everything we need to now about ourselves is there. We just have to learn how to access the information. If you think it all sounds silly, that's okay. I'm only sharing because it works for me. It's a little tricky to read what I've written with my left hand, but it's manageable and has taught me a lot.

Here's how I began. Sometime I have to be a little blunt to get the process going: Dear Inner Self, I don't know where all the anger, self-loathing and lack of focus is coming from. I've tried so hard to stay closer to God, but I seem to have hit a roadblock that is dragging all the life and energy out of me. I can't write. I'm tired all the time. I have nothing to look forward to, and I have no idea what value I am to anyone. I need clarity to move forward. What is driving me to hate myself so much and not be able to see any good? I can't even rejoice over other's success or open my heart to anyone in pain. I seem to have forgotten who I am, and I'm scared of never feeling peace again. What is wrong with me and what can I do to change?

My answer, and it was very difficult to read: Stop punishing yourself for things beyond your control. Most everyone is feeling the same right now. Satan's forces are moving around at lightening speed, and they want you to feel helpless, alone and afraid. They know all your thoughts are turned inward and you won't have the energy to oppose their subtle suggestions. Nor will you have the strength to do any good. Few people produce real change or become truly extraordinary. They only live and let live and do all the positive they can. They feel content with the small beauties God has provided - sun, flowers, family and a few loyal friends. They feel all the raw emotions that come with being human, and most of them aren't noble or endearing to the masses. Pain is real and so is self-doubt. The adventure is to work through it and regroup when you get to the other side. Triggers to negative thoughts can't always be determined, but the pain can be eased if acknowledged and accepted. It doesn't mean a person is bad, just human. 

Accept God's love, mercy and compassion. Know he is real. Let him help shoulder your burdens when  you no longer have the strength left. In another week, month or year you will be on track again and perhaps even understand. But don't beat yourself up if you don't. Just try to do one thing each day that helps you serve or connect to others. Love yourself, and even if you are feeling really down make yourself smile and then listen to or do something that makes you happy. Count your blessings and not your flaws. Understand that this experience isn't the real you. It is just something that is happening to you and will go away if you allow yourself to grieve, scream, cry or even throw something invaluable if you have to. But never give up. Brighter days will come. Anger will recede. You'll start moving around with more purpose, peace will fill your soul and you will feel happy and worthwhile again.

That's it. Some of the thoughts are disjoined but they make sense to me, and the exercise helped. I feel much more positive today. That said, I'm no therapist. I'm simply a suffering member of the human race and know that everyone needs a little help at times. That's why I try to stay connected to all the parts of me. I especially enjoy getting to know the little girl inside. She's quite delightful with a witty edge who isn't afraid to tell me what she really thinks. I wish she would come out to play more often. I miss her and want to be more like she is again.

But it's time to start another disagreeable project. I have a leak in the water facet inside the wall in my basement and have to find a plumber who won't try to overcharge me. I may be a woman alone who isn't supposed to know anything, but I have learned a few things over the years. Hope you've had a tranquil and productive day. The pain killer I took for my tooth a couple of hours ago is really doing its job. I'm not feeling much of anything. Maybe I'll close my eyes for a few minutes before finding something nutritious to drink. No solids for the next day or two.

Thursday 21 May 2020

My way to say Thank You

Need a break from your new reality? Three FREE books from family, adventure and romance author JS Ririe available Thursday, Friday and Saturday - May 21, 22 and 23 at https://amzn.to/2BXNSdv.

     I know these past few months have been hard for all of us. I've certainly gone through my own share of feeling unable to move forward, but it's nice to know that life is staring to feel more normal again, and I wanted to do something to celebrate. That's why I'm hosting my biggest giveaway yet. Join Brylee Hawkins in Indecision’s FlameLost and Exposed (Kindle version) as she returns to her childhood home in the wild Australian Outback to confront her estranged father about the part he played in destroying her life. Standing face to face, she soon discovers that the painful truth she has clung to was not an actual depiction of events as they transpired. Her story will provide hours of relaxation, rejuvenation and a little soulful insight.
     And don’t forget that the conclusion to the Reagan Sinclair, FBI saga - Welcome Redemption - is now available. It was quite a challenge to write, but I'm happy with the results and the beautiful cover. You'll have to check it out on my website and let me know what you think. I'd also love to hear any stories you may have about true heroism during this strange time. I know I've seen some awe inspiring examples.
     All my books are suitable for teens and available for free to members of Kindle Unlimited. Happy reading everyone and may the joy return to your hearts!

Tuesday 12 May 2020

New Beginnings

I've been leaving my home the past couple of weeks. I haven't gone far - but it's been enough to see how much the world I've become accustomed to has changed the past few months. I planned carefully for my first excursion into what seemed like a great abyss beyond the four walls of my home and the yard I have been so carefully tending. I've been watching the news like everyone else, trying to weigh what I was being told, and promising myself that I would do whatever the people in charge thought was prudent so I wouldn't become part of the problem. I counted down the days until my prescriptions ran out, sewed a number of masks from heavy flannel left over from baby quilts and doll clothes I had been making for my granddaughter, and then got up before dawn the last Tuesday morning in April so I could make it to Walmart during the time specified for seniors. The sun was just starting to rise beyond the horizon when I pulled into the parking lot and put on the uncomfortable and unaccustomed mask we had been told to wear.  I wanted to be brave enough to enter the building without it, but after seven weeks of staying at home because of age and underlying health conditions, I decided to remain cautious.

I was met at the entrance to the building by a young man in a similar mask who asked if I was over sixty. When I told him I was, he stepped aside and let me enter. Few people were in the store, but I still hurried to the pharmacy and picked up what I had come for. Then I walked up and down a few of the aisles, often missing the arrows that told me which way I was supposed to be going, and began filling my cart with some of the things I had run out of during the weeks I had refrained from shopping. I felt moments of alarm when some of the items I needed were already gone and felt as if I was part of some horror movie when others looked away or ducked their heads instead of saying something welcoming and friendly like they usually did. I kept asking myself why something we were supposed to be in together was pulling us so far apart. By the time I left, I was nearly in tears. This wasn't the world I had known before, and I didn't want to live like this.

I know many of you have felt the same way as you've struggled to make sense of an almost unbelievable situation that has brought so much sorrow, concern and near terror and has plunged the economy of numerous countries into a downward spiral that won't be easy to stop or restore. It isn't fun to step from the known and acceptable into the turmoil we now face as members of the human race, but it can be done once step at a time. I discovered that for myself as I went to Walmart for a second time last week and then branched out by going to a local market. I spoke to everyone who would look at me, even though I could scarcely breathe through the cumbersome mask and my glasses were a little foggy. I knew I couldn't do anything to stop what was happening, but I couldn't let fear, doubt and uncertainty control me any longer. I could still brighten someone's day by being kind and cheerful and letting them know that I appreciated the service they were willing to give.

Perplexing questions still fill my mind, but I feel more confident about getting on with my life now. The valves underneath the sink in my guest bathroom began to leak - saturating every towel and roll of toilet paper I had stored underneath the cabinet - before I realized what was happening. I took pictures of the the problem and went to Lowe's to get what I needed so my son could fix the problem last Friday. I even went back the next day to get a cap so the pipe in the basement wall would quit dripping, and today I went to see the doctor for my semi-annual checkup. Those may sound like simple things, but sometimes baby steps are all we can take when trying to move into a new reality.  It isn't easy to be interrogated upon entering a building, have your temperature taken, or be given a mask to wear if you don't already have one, but most of the people making the rules are simply doing the best they can to help protect others. I believe everyone has the right to make his or her own decisions, but I choose to look out for the people around me. I know I'm not contagious, but the severity of my allergies can raise a few eyebrows when I cough, sneeze or blow my nose. I don't want anyone feeling unsafe around me.

But through all of this, the greatest changes for me have come from within as I've spent additional time reflecting on what is most important in my life: family, faith, friends, a work to do that has value, discovering more about my posterity and listening with real intent to others. I've learned to rely on God and my Savior to give clarity to unanswerable questions.  I've experienced the solace and peace of mind that comes with additional prayer, scripture study and filling my home with uplifting music. I've spent more time working in my yard, putting scrapbook pages together and taking care of mending that never gets done. I've looked for ways I can reach out to others who might need someone to lean on. I've baked treats for others, made it a point to speak to every neighbor when I see them and try to reflect on what Christ would do if he was walking in my shoes.

I don't know what the future is going to bring. It might be different from anything we have known before, but that shouldn't stop us from loving and caring for each other. Even if it is awkward and uncomfortable since we're supposed to be practicing social distancing, we still need to be friendly, kind, patient and accommodating when we can. The part I play in this world may be small, but I intend to do what I can to make it a better place. I can hardly wait until congregations can worship together again, children can return to school and so many people no longer have to worry about going hungry, losing their homes or their lives or being afraid. I know God is with those of us who turn to him. His arms are ever open to help and guide us, and he will bring peace of mind and daily protection from things that will bring us harm. A little soulful reflection can be a very good thing.